Interview with Annie Fox

Dear Readers,

You have been introduced to Annie Fox through the podcast of Annie interviewing me. Now it's Annie's turn. I've asked Annie questions about her work with tweens and teens and she has provided all of us with wonderful information.

Annie and I welcome your questions and comments. Enjoy!  You can find Annie at www.anniefox.com

Warmly,
Diane

Question: Annie, you are committed to working with children, tweens, teens and parents through your books, speaking engagements and as online advisor, Hey Terra.  Please tell us more about these endeavors.

AF: I’ve been an online adviser for tweens and teens for the past 12 years. I get email questions from kids around the world who need help with friendship conflicts, problems with parents, self-esteem issues, the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone. Pretty unusual job, I’ll admit. People often ask “How’d you ever get into that?” It was as a direct result of my husband David dragging me, kicking, screaming into the Computer Age in 1976. In 1977 we opened the world’s first public-access educational microcomputer center in San Rafael, CA. For me, the substance of my work has always been about kids and their social/emotional development. Though the form has definitely changed over time I’ve always either worked directly with kids or created content for them (plays, stories, CD ROM games, online games, curriculum, books, websites.) David and I launched my teen website ( theinsite.org ) in June 1997, that lead to books to help teens understand themselves better, seminars to help parents understand their tweens and teens and teacher training. I love to talk and so whenever someone with a microphone invites me over, I go.

Question: What do you think are the greatest challenges tweens and teens face today? 

AF: There are several challenges that make 21st century kids so desperate for 21st century parenting (vs. the kind we got). The world is a noisier, faster place and the omnipresence of media is changing childhood. I’m talking about the marketing messages bombarding young kids to be "sexy." I’m talking about the social digital media that doesn’t give them a moment’s peace from the social drama of middle school. I’m talking about parents who are stressed and not as emotionally available as their kids need them to be. I’m talking about the pressure schools put on students to perform on tests without offering much in the way of fostering a love of learning. I’m also talking about the unrelenting homework load and after school schedules that have robbed kids of time to dream and robbed families of time to just be.

Question: Please tell us what problems parents of tweens and teens ask about at your speaking engagements? 

AF: Parents often ask “How can I get my son/daughter to be more respectful, more responsible?” I think the answer often lies in how clear the expectations are for a teen’s behavior in the family and when they are out on their own with friends. When it comes to respect, well, that’s a two-way street. Calling a teen “lazy” or “useless” out of frustration is no way to garner respect. Likewise, telling your child you’ll pick her up at 4:30 and not get their until 4:45, isn’t a great formula for teaching responsibility. I’m not saying that all the problems parents have with tweens and teens are the parents’ fault. No way! I’m simply saying that when parents lose sight of  their parenting objectives (to raise an independent, emotionally resilient, responsible, compassionate, respectful young adult… or whatever traits you’re going for) and they don’t have a parenting “curriculum” that daily re-inforces their objectives rather than undermines them, then they are, in fact, contributing to whatever conflicts they’ve got with their son or daughter.

Question: Knowing that the tween and teen years can be confusing and unsettling for parents as well as kids, would you give readers some tips that could help parents to communicate and connect with their tweens and teens in positive ways? 

AF: Here are my top ten tips for Improving Parent-Teen Relationships:

  1. Remember that you are the parent — Your job is to protect your child and prepare him/her to become a fully functioning adult. Being a leader and a compassionate teacher is more important than being your teen’s friend.
  2. Remain calm — Nothing gets resolved when stress makes it impossible to think clearly. Can’t respond rationally? Then take a break until you can.
  3. Talk less and listen more — Just like the rest of us, teens want to be respected and heard. Be a "safe" and available person to talk to.
  4. It’s a balancing act — A key challenge in parenting teens is to remain emotionally connected while granting your kids more privacy and autonomy.
  5. They’re always watching – Want your teen to be trustworthy, responsible, and compassionate? Make sure you're modeling those values in your own life.
  6. Make your expectations clear and be consistent with your follow-through — If kids know the consequences ahead of time and they’ve bought into the rules of the house, they're more likely to make healthy choices.
  7. Catch your teen in the act of doing something right — Praise shows that you noticed their efforts. It also promotes a feeling of competency.
  8. Be real — Father/mother does NOT always know best. Admit your own confusion and mistakes. Apologize when appropriate. Show your kids that just like them, you too are also “a work in progress.”
  9. Regularly create time to enjoy being a family — Having regular meals together and relaxing, unplugged from digital technology, is a gift with long-lasting benefits.
  10. Lighten up! — Humor is a great de-stressor. Remember, no one stays a teen (or the parent of a teen) forever!
Question: Annie, please tell us about any upcoming books and other activities readers would be interested in

AF:  What’s Up With My Family? Book 3 of my Middle School Confidential series will be published in January. I’m currently working on Book 4 (It’s about school.) The other thing I can let you in on is that I’ll be presenting at the 16th Annual Character plus Conference in St. Louis in June 2010.


Posted by Diane Peters Mayer at 11-17-2009
Categories: tweens, Separation Anxiety, Parenting, Tween Anxiety
Tags: tweens teens parenting stress reduction
 
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